The best thing about Iowan’s is their ability to manufacture fun using simple shit. Take Cedar River Tank Tours for example. You get yourself a big bus, fill it full of alcoholics, plop down a sub woofer and drive them up-river, country tunes blaring.
“Oh man the last group was cutting up lines on CD cases, swinging from the ceiling, hanging out the windows, doing beer bongs! It was great,” the driver said on the ride up.
“Where are those people?” the bus replied to uproarious laughter.
We eat this stuff up in Iowa because really there’s nothing else to do. Our natural resources are so crappy, we have to get creative.
Doug Vislisel, owner of Cedar River Tank Tours, had an idea one day. Let’s take a big round plastic hog feed container, bolt down a rickety table, throw in an umbrella and hire a couple husky boys to launch them into the current.
That’s it.
You just float from there and it’s fucking amazing. No serious, it’s wicked fun, gently floating down the scum coated Cedar in water that looks like decaf. These Iowan’s, they jump right in and splash about, pissing directly in the river like toddlers.
This is the point where non-natives scream “IS THIS WHAT YOU PEOPLE CALL A GOOD TIME?”
Yes people, this is what we do in Iowa. Party it up in a plastic tub designed for live stock.
As his client’s float about, Doug flies up and down the Cedar in a tin contraption that has one major asset our hog container doesn’t.
A motor.
So after the launch Doug catches up to various groups of Iowan’s, going from sandbar to sandbar, enjoying the local ecosystem while poisoning their bodies with mass amounts of ultra violet light. Near the end of the afternoon, one of the hog floaters had shoulders that were Barney purple.
Pack the SPF 120 before your float, says a regular customer of Cedar River Tank Tours.
One time, according to legend, a group of five became so intoxicated they were found aimlessly rolling past the finish line, completely unconscious, limbs dragging in the river. While posing no danger to the public and thus avoiding CR’s favorite revenue generator (the DUI), the Cedar Rapids Defender does not endorse this behavior in any fashion.
You can comfortably fit four inside of one of Doug’s hog feeders. The table is a little wobbly, what do you expect…this isn’t a god damn yacht. The umbrella does it’s job. Very simple idea, catered perfectly to the taste of your typical Cedar Rapidian. Don’t expect a rocky ride or to get wet if you don’t want to. It’s a very gentle, lazy coast down the river. No white water rafting.
Doug’s in the process of drilling cup holders into the benches of each float, something that will definitely add even more value to the experience….but until then I’m sure you’re fine holding the beer in your hand.
It’s a family business that Doug runs with a partner. His partners on this day were two soon to be college freshmen, working for pops during the last summer of their childhood. They’re both football players, big oxen like characters, corn fed and bred.
Us middle aged folks challenged the boys to a classic Irish log throwing competition on one of the many clam shell ridden beaches. There we were, the four of us, Doug and his linemen, pulled over on a sandbar, hurling large pieces of wood through the air. The kids dominated us, although Doug had that classic old man strength, earned from decades laying hot brick in the broiling sun. That kind of activity tends to toughen you up, and Doug is tough in addition to being cool as hell.
We like to use the Price vs. Hours of Entertainment matrix in our local business reviews. For all of the fun you just read, we paid $135 and were out there for five hours. Grand total of $6.75 per person, per hour. Less than what you spend on lottery tickets each week….for way more bang for your buck.
Gets your ass out of the house too!
The Defender’s local business editorial board gives Cedar River Tank Tours our coveted “A” grade and applauds Doug and his boys for their innovation.
If you’d like to experience the joys of floating down the Cedar River in a plastic tub, visit Doug Vislisel at www.cedarrivetanktours.com and reserve your float today!
