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Bankers Win Again! Linn Area Stiffs Kernels Fans!

Loyal customers of Linn Area Credit Union protested loudly behind the third base line Sunday afternoon at Perfect Game Field. They had been promised an epic customer appreciation party, instead, they were left baited inside the gates, with only a bag of peanuts to show for it.

In a show of gratitude, Linn Area in conjunction with the Cedar Rapids Kernels offered FREE FOOD! FREE DRINKS! to account holders. The promotion was good for free entry into the game, a bottle of water and a $3 bag of peanuts. Everybody went home happy, right?

Unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case during Cedar Rapids’ 3-2 loss to Peoria.

Customers were under the impression they were showing out for free beer, hamburgers, hot dogs, brats…that kind of thing. The ungrateful bastards were actually seen ripping apart their water vouchers in a sign of unity against the banking giant.

“I can get the same thing from the drinking fountain, besides, do you know what fish do in water?” said one particularly grumpy senior.

The general consensus in left field was that Linn Area Community Union pulled the old bait and switch trick on their account owners. Lure them to the field with talk of a party, hand out less than you advertise. Those tricky bankers always seem one step ahead!

One man, speaking to the Defender anonymously, said he had rescheduled his entire weekend around the promise of bratwursts, courtesy of his favorite Cedar Rapids bank.

“Usually Sunday is my day of rest, I like, sleep most of the day away. Literally the only reason I got out of bed was to drink beer and eat at the ballpark. I hear Collins Community knows how to throw a real rager.”

Despite the tough talk, several of those interviewed were actively purchasing food and drink from the Kernels’ poverty stricken cashiers. Estimated spending ranged between $25-$45 per person.

It just ain’t cheap to bring the family to the ballpark anymore.

“I mean I give Linn Area Credit Union a no-interest loan every other week. Can I at least get a hot dog?” said the unnamed source.

The Red Lion Shows it’s Appreciation

The Red Lion thanked long time customers Saturday afternoon with a back patio bash that left everyone stuffed to the gills. Every summer the NE Cedar Rapids watering hole invites everyone down for a cookout and discounted drinks in the sun. This year didn’t disappoint, as an interesting mix of Red Lion patrons lined up for hamburgers, corndogs, fries and onion rings. They whipped out the funnel cake for dessert, just to add the perfect final touch to a wonderful event.

Not much has changed at the Red Lion since the seventies. It’s still so dark you can’t see two feet ahead. It still attracts a passionate group of crooners, with absolutely no fear of signing in public. You can still get a few more beers for the road just to hit their $10 credit card minimum.

Back in the day, my friends and I used to sit in the back listening to Sinatra songs until the wee hours of the morning like Boss Hogs. Now that we are actually boss hogs, it’s nice to see the Red Lion doing business just like they always have. There’s something special about the locally owned pub. That feeling is still there.

The Red Lion was the bar your Dad and his rowdy friends used to get into brawls at. Now, it seems that crowd has aged and calmed. Only smiles and back slaps on Saturday. Not a hardass in the whole bunch.

The owner greeted me like an old friend, even though she didn’t recognize me or remember me. It’s been that long, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with appreciating the customers you already have and winning new ones at the same time.
The August sunshine was a killer during Customer Appreciation Night. Thank God for the fine people at Red Lion who setup the tent and placed seating. It would have been unbearable without. See, they appreciate their customers, and it shows.
Next year the Red Lion promises to take note of the position of the sun and place a majority of their seating in the shade.

The Red Line hit a triple Saturday afternoon during appreciation days.

  1. Free Food
  2. Cheap Beer
  3. Outside Seating

Sometimes when you master the simple things, that’s all it takes! Thanks to the Red Lion! See you next year!

Cedar River Tank Tours: Tanks On Tanks!

The best thing about Iowan’s is their ability to manufacture fun using simple shit. Take Cedar River Tank Tours for example. You get yourself a big bus, fill it full of alcoholics, plop down a sub woofer and drive them up-river, country tunes blaring.

“Oh man the last group was cutting up lines on CD cases, swinging from the ceiling, hanging out the windows, doing beer bongs! It was great,” the driver said on the ride up.

“Where are those people?” the bus replied to uproarious laughter.

We eat this stuff up in Iowa because really there’s nothing else to do. Our natural resources are so crappy, we have to get creative.

Doug Vislisel, owner of Cedar River Tank Tours, had an idea one day. Let’s take a big round plastic hog feed container, bolt down a rickety table, throw in an umbrella and hire a couple husky boys to launch them into the current.

That’s it.

You just float from there and it’s fucking amazing. No serious, it’s wicked fun, gently floating down the scum coated Cedar in water that looks like decaf. These Iowan’s, they jump right in and splash about, pissing directly in the river like toddlers.
This is the point where non-natives scream “IS THIS WHAT YOU PEOPLE CALL A GOOD TIME?”

Yes people, this is what we do in Iowa. Party it up in a plastic tub designed for live stock.

As his client’s float about, Doug flies up and down the Cedar in a tin contraption that has one major asset our hog container doesn’t.

A motor.

So after the launch Doug catches up to various groups of Iowan’s, going from sandbar to sandbar, enjoying the local ecosystem while poisoning their bodies with mass amounts of ultra violet light. Near the end of the afternoon, one of the hog floaters had shoulders that were Barney purple.

Pack the SPF 120 before your float, says a regular customer of Cedar River Tank Tours.

One time, according to legend, a group of five became so intoxicated they were found aimlessly rolling past the finish line, completely unconscious, limbs dragging in the river. While posing no danger to the public and thus avoiding CR’s favorite revenue generator (the DUI), the Cedar Rapids Defender does not endorse this behavior in any fashion.

You can comfortably fit four inside of one of Doug’s hog feeders. The table is a little wobbly, what do you expect…this isn’t a god damn yacht. The umbrella does it’s job. Very simple idea, catered perfectly to the taste of your typical Cedar Rapidian. Don’t expect a rocky ride or to get wet if you don’t want to. It’s a very gentle, lazy coast down the river. No white water rafting.

Doug’s in the process of drilling cup holders into the benches of each float, something that will definitely add even more value to the experience….but until then I’m sure you’re fine holding the beer in your hand.

It’s a family business that Doug runs with a partner. His partners on this day were two soon to be college freshmen, working for pops during the last summer of their childhood. They’re both football players, big oxen like characters, corn fed and bred.

Us middle aged folks challenged the boys to a classic Irish log throwing competition on one of the many clam shell ridden beaches. There we were, the four of us, Doug and his linemen, pulled over on a sandbar, hurling large pieces of wood through the air. The kids dominated us, although Doug had that classic old man strength, earned from decades laying hot brick in the broiling sun. That kind of activity tends to toughen you up, and Doug is tough in addition to being cool as hell.

We like to use the Price vs. Hours of Entertainment matrix in our local business reviews. For all of the fun you just read, we paid $135 and were out there for five hours. Grand total of $6.75 per person, per hour. Less than what you spend on lottery tickets each week….for way more bang for your buck.

Gets your ass out of the house too!

The Defender’s local business editorial board gives Cedar River Tank Tours our coveted “A” grade and applauds Doug and his boys for their innovation.

If you’d like to experience the joys of floating down the Cedar River in a plastic tub, visit Doug Vislisel at www.cedarrivetanktours.com and reserve your float today!